Back for Nanowrimo 2021.

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been roughly six months – I’ve missed you! I took the summer off of my book project to ‘get it together’ if-you-will.  Last time I wrote, I was at the tail end of an aggressive interview season, tooting my own horn for seven different companies (four to five rounds a piece), answering repetitive questions and participating in writing assignments for free (I will no longer do this, tuh!). It’s difficult for most neurotypical people to tolerate, let alone someone with a processing disorder.

When the rejections started rolling in, I spiraled into a depression.

I snagged this cup at the checkout line in TJ Maxx. They got me.

Straddling the fence between appreciation for the stability and my eagerness to leave having no where to go, left me despondent. I felt stuck.

My desire to pivot out had been long established: I tried to break away for two years but kept getting drop-kicked in the face.

After six ‘nos,’ one organization said ‘yes.’  I gladly accepted.

The industry sector I work in, is competitive. There are many specializations: content marketing, digital marketing, product marketing, email marketing, corporate communications, public relations etc. that often blend together.

It is a very teachable skill - we’re not doctors - but for some reason, other people couldn’t see it for me.

This was not my first rodeo: over the last 10/11 years, I’ve gone through several cycles or ‘sprints’ of interview stages for months on end. I thought I would be able to move within my organization; I thought they would be my ‘home’ company. I clearly thought wrong and grew very bored, tired and restless attempting to try.

Finally coming out from underneath a rock holding a new opportunity for advancement, gave me hope.

---

Further into to summer, I decided to have my tonsils removed; problems persisted in my throat that needed to be addressed. They had to go – it was a pricy surgery, but worth it.

The healing process took roughly three weeks before I was on to the next task:

“How am I going to get out of Iowa?”

The pandemic brought me back home and although it was wonderful to be among family, reconnect with childhood friends and dive head first into the best relationship of my life (so far), something unseen tugged at my spirit.

I missed the city life and decided to resume my 2019, pre-pandemic game plan to relocate to Chicago.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. So busy, my book project took a back seat.

Between mid-June and August,  I wrote a few articles to get my feet wet again (you can find them here on my medium page) but the pang from pushing my core project to the side, whispered to me at night.

---

Nanowrimo is my time to focus. Instead of aiming for the traditional 50,000 words, I have a list of sub-projects to complete in preparation for the larger one – if you have been following me for a while, I’ve likely written about them:

1. Week One: Blog Updates
   Nurturing my reader base and interviewing survivors is fundamental in supporting this community. These are stories that need to be told. Please stay tuned.

2. Week Two: Edits My First 10 Pages
   Early in 2021, I submitted the first 10 pages of my book for review to a literary agent – she’s a seasoned vet, well versed in memoir writing. Her guidance and recommendations are necessary for making me a better writer. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to implement any of those changes.  Until now.

3. Week 3: Polish My Book Proposal
   At the top of 2019, I created submission packet for a fellowship in Seattle that included a book proposal section. The fellowship didn’t land, but I consider it a win regardless.  The proposal just needs some shining.

4.  Week 4: Just Write
   I have a few article ideas I want to start outlining for my medium page and other publication outlets. It’s time to bring those pieces to life.

In November I return to my purpose: more centered, more grounded, more focused.

Mood Music: Everything in its Right Place - Radiohead

...And The Livin' Is Easy.

 

All City Coffee

Summer has officially arrived – and thank GOD. Like Minneapolis, Seattle only gets 4-5 solid months of clear, sunny weather. This poses a bit a problem when it comes to writing - at least for me. I’m less likely to spend my time isolated, ruminating over past events for my memoir, when a rooftop happy hour is on the docket.

I’m 30, flirty and thriving -  “suns out/guns out” or however that saying goes, right? I’d rather “seize the day” at a beach, wonder around the streets of Cap Hill or bounce from vendor to vendor at music festival while I can.

But if I’m truely honest with myself, I will admit that I am a little apprehensive – it’s still challenging for me to work inward and backward: I talk about that struggle here.

There are certainly times I don’t feel like rehashing the event – it's depressing and quite frankly, I have some lingering anger and insecurity [most of which is because I still and will continue to wrestle with the residual effects of a hemorrhagic stroke, but you know. Whatever].

I want to remain in my bubble. I want to float. 

It is going to take some deep, deep work with my therapist to really gut everything…and I’m not ready.

Unfortunately, the immediate stressors of The Move, interpersonal relationships and career stuff [for lack of a better term] ate up a lot of time in my sessions these past few months.

As my therapist, *Dan would let me guide the direction of the sessions [as he should] and because of the urgency of the items listed, we would often stay there. Basically, I had a lot of shit going on that needed solving and didn’t really have the mental energy to get into the past.

In the meantime, between time, I’ve got some prep work to-do:

The Move took me to another part of the city that may only be 8 miles away from where I was, but in traffic, could take a day’s journey to reach Dan.

What does this mean?  Well, unfortunately, I have to find a new therapist – ok, I don’t have to, but if I stayed,  we  wouldn’t see each other as often. That’s not going to work for the kid. #itsohard2saygoodbye.

Ugh. It took me forever to find Dan -- I have enjoyed working with him, but I am a person of convenience: he doesn’t have weekend availability and seeing him every 6-7 weeks when I go get my braces tightened, will only work for so long.

[His office is nearby my Orthodontist for those who are wondering].

So add, "the search" to my giant list of things that desperately need to get done. Perhaps when the sun goes down for the season?

As I’m settling into my new spot, in a more “colorful” neighborhood [amazing mountainous views included], I think about how I fully plan to remain committed to the goal – believe me, when I’m not working on the book, I think about it. I’m always reminded that this is a story that needs to be told. It just takes a lot for me to bring it out and that’s ok. Lord help me. Ha.

Mood Music: Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong

*not real name

Discipline: A Worksheet Style Presentation.

 

Cafe Lulu

Sorry guys! I got really sick earlier this month, so I had to skip the first post! Eek!

In a previous blog post, I touch on specific writing goals I had for myself. Unfortunately, I have been short on delivering.

Look, life happens. This is difficult. I have to figure out a way to maintain my writing goals, which are incredibly important to me, while trying not bash my head in the wall from other on goings.

I want to dive into mastering self-discipline: as someone who is an unorganized hotmess, it can be a struggle for me. 

Although: I was organized enough to move half-cross country; I took calculated steps to save money, find a suitable roommate after 2 fell through, confront [or..begin to confront] some of the emotional baggage I would be leaving behind and make it happen.

What does this mean? 

When I want to do it, I'll do it.

Living in Seattle has been…whatever. It isn’t exactly what I would have imagined it to be, but I don’t regret it. Perhaps I was a little naive, but I digress...

You know, I know, we know that I have mental blocks that stop me from achieving my creative writing #goals. Ugh.

Maintaining an overall schedule will give me the kind of success I desire.

In my search for substantial resources, I found an awesome blog, written by Adam Sicinski, Director of IQ Matrix.

His website is dedicated to condensing complex self-help principles into easy, digestible mind maps.

Self-discipline as he defines it is:

“…your ability to control your desires and impulses to stay focused on what needs to get done to successfully achieve that goal. As such, self-discipline involves committing to long-term gains without falling prey to instant gratification along the way,” [The Complete Guide On How To Develop Focused Self-Discipline].

In this particular post, I wanted to present his worksheet style questionnaire.

Even though it may read cheeky at times, I write it with the purest of intentions.

Inside Cafe Lulu

The Self Discipline Process

Step 1: Define What You Want:

What is it that I want to do, be, have or achieve?

I want to write a novel [this is the main objective].

What new habit would I like to develop?

To write consistently. For NaNo, I’m pledging 200 words a day. This may seem small, but for me this is a challenge. I’m sure there will be days when I exceed well passed 200 words and others where I barely make it. My hope is that this trend – in some capacity – continues beyond NaNo.

What behavior would I like to change?

Inability to focus is a big one: I get sidetrack/distracted very easily. Things won't get completed or I end up mismanaging my time.

What is the one thing that I want to focus on in this moment?

Making a plan and sticking to it.

Step 2: Describe the Changes Required:

Ask yourself:

What specific behaviors will I need to cultivate to achieve this goal?

I have to be able to push past the fatigue and excuses to find space to write.

What specific habits will I need to adopt to achieve this goal?

I’m going to need the energy – physical and mental – which means I have to adopt healthy and continuous eating and exercise regimens.

[Some of this, I’m currently doing].

Step 3: Find Role Models:

[I’m not here yet].

Step 4: Identify Obstacles:

Given my goal, what obstacles could stand in my way?

My own lethargy. Fear. I think for most people in a creative field, vulnerability is a big concern; you're putting your work out there for the masses to critique, judge and potentially destroy.

What specific things could sidetrack me along my journey?

Alcohol. Men [I mean, let’s be real]. Social Media. Laziness and depression. FOMO. Netflix. HBOGo.

Why specifically do I want to achieve this goal?

This story needs to be told – I have an interesting perspective. It is something that has weighed on my chest for a long time; I have to get it out. It is cathartic. And therapeutic.

Why specifically do I want to develop this habit?

To write consistently will make me a better writer: period. 

Why is this of primary importance for me right now?

I don’t have a legitimate excuse not to do it. I don’t want to live with regret and I sincerely want to share this story. It’s beneficial for my personal writing goals [the novel] and for my professional corporate career. It will enhance my overall communication skills.

Why do I really want this in my life?

I think it’s important, because for so long, I’ve felt misunderstood. The manuscript is fiction, but it’s loosely based around my life and allows me to [unfortunately or fortunately] rediscover why/how certain events have happened. 

What are the potential rewards I will gain from doing this?

I think being able to complete the novel – or better yet – develop the habits and consistency to achieve completion is a head nod to myself that this can be done. Commitment. Patience. Two things that are difficult for me to achieve.

I think I will gain a better understanding of myself.

The last two sections are:

5) Develop A Plan of Action  //   6) Make Yourself Accountable.

As mentioned above, I’m pledging 200 words a day for NaNoWriMo.

I’m certainly not limited to 200 – if I feel inspired to write more, then I will.

My Dont's:

Additionally, I will be removing alcohol for the month of November [barring Thanksgiving, ha].

I am not a big drinker anyway, but waking up and being productive after a night of drinking is insanely difficult for me.

I have also stopped intentionally dating for the rest of the year [the apps had to go] – this girl has way too many projects [Nano] and work related stuff [exciting new developments!] going on to throw any of my mental energy into that foolishness. We'll try again at the top of 2018 - for now, ain't nobody got time for that!

My Do's:

I want to be actively engaged with other NaNo writers this time around: look for me on Twitter!  Perhaps I will see if anything NaNo related is happening in Seattle?

Closing Comments:

I am absolutely focusing on myself: the whole of 2017 has seen me running around trying to do far too much.

It’s time to chill and hone in on closing out the year strong!

Good luck to all my NaNo participants and don’t worry about the editing! Just. Write.

Mood Music: Control - Janet Jackson

No One Said It Was Going To Be Easy: The Good + Bad + In-Between.

 

Java Bean Coffee

Good:

I’m still working on that bar scene; I’ve smoothed it out a little. I’ve managed to write some great dialogue. I have a better understanding of where that scene is going. While writing it, I felt great excitement and confidence. Baby, I was in the flow.

I’ve finally made it to 10,000 words!

For some people, the accomplishment is nil, but for me? This a big deal. My pacing is …slow. I officially started on the manuscript, 1.5 years ago. It’s coming along. Folks ask me about its’ progress and I immediately meet them with a defensive glare.

I used to date a guy who would always prod me about this – shit was annoying. I already put enough pressure on myself – no additional pressure is needed.

"How many words did you write this week?"

Leave. Me. Alone.

Bad:

There are instances when perhaps I’m not so busy: I feel guilty about my negligence in artistry. Instead of honing my craft, I pound through another 6 episodes of Sex and the City – episodes I’ve seen a million and one times.

Outside Java Bean: Come To My Window

So. Much. To. Do.

I hate prioritization – all of it is important. All of it needs to get done. Because I can’t figure out what I should do first, I end up stagnate, producing nothing or very little.

My problem is that I have a difficult time organizing and sticking to the subsequent schedule.

Except for this blog: I can get that out 2 x per month!

FML.

In-between:

I’ve talked about the art of balancing in a previous article…well folks: easier said than done.  During my typical work week, I try to find widgets of time to sit down and write. It’s hard; being in a new city and wanting to take advantage of Seattle’s unusually warm weather. Finding and making friends [more authentic, less superficial. This alone require certain amount of time & emotional investment]. 

I want to create a solid support system; anything familiar is 1,600+ miles away. I need to network for both my corporate career and writing ventures.

I have to stay sharp, so I read other authors.

 I’m currently wrapping up “The Apartment” by Greg Baxter. The next book on my list is, “The Hate You Give,” by Angie Thomas. There has been a lot of buzz about this novel [it’s socially and political relevant and I’m all for supporting other African-American female writers].

Then there’s dating. [Ugh. Don’t even get me started].

And exercise – Gym 2x week alongside a dance class or two [I love dance. I need the cardio – this cellulite isn’t going to disappear without movement].

Shit, I don’t know. Maybe all of those are just “excuses”. Writer’s write. And I do. Not as much as I should, but I do.

I just keep thinking, if I had a baby on my hip, this might be twice as hard. I don’t have a baby. There are no GD excuses.

Before I began this journey, I tried to remain realistic in the level of consistency and difficulty that it would take; the level of patience required to give birth to this.

Sure, I could complete the novel in a few months, but it wouldn’t be up to my standard.

Everyone thinks that they are a writer now, but not everyone can write. There is a difference.

I’m not doing this for the money; no one pays me to write. I do it out of the joy of writing – when I can.

I do it because my instinct tells me I need to.

Mood Music: Down With The Sickness - Disturbed

The Arrival.

 

Seattle Sunshine Coffee

I made it …somewhat unscathed. I’m in my second week and it has been both interesting and bizarre to say the least.  The road trip here was an adventure in and of itself; lots of time for sibling bonding. Mountainous, breathtaking scenery -  in all honesty, I didn’t know America could be so beautiful.

[A little cliche, I know].

I discovered my sister is basically a beast in the best way possible [I made her drive the U-Haul with my car attached to the back] and I most certainly cried when she left.

I dropped her off at the train station, tears welling up:

"WhatdidIjustgetmyselfinto?"

“You will be fine. Staaaaaaaaaaaph it,” she assured.

We hugged it out. 

I love my Sissyboo.

I’m here. In Seattle. Now what?

I remember listening to a podcast about adjusting to your new environment; you’re supposed to keep up with the same schedule you had prior to moving.

Inside Seattle Sunshine: Loft-y Cafeteria Style.

Go To The Gym.

Write.

Library.

Write.

Meetups.

Online/App Dating.

Write.

Bitchaboutdatinglife [because I still don’t understand why....you know what? This is not the blog for that].

Write…shit. Work, I forgot, work/career – these bills still have to get paid.

Write.

Coffee shops [i.e. blog].

Write.

Dance Class?

Write.

Read something -  a book – fithatinsomewhere.

I think this cadence is also in my intro – the fact that I’ve restated it, lets' you know that it’s getting real.

It’s evident that I have a lot of shit going on: I’ve talked about this before, but the name of the game is balance. I try to keep reminding myself of this: as single woman in a new city open to exploring in whatever capacity... don’t forget why you came here.

My First Attempt At Getting Back In The Writing Game:

The closest library is a 4 minute drive / 20 minute walk from my new home: it was a nice day [apparently, we don’t have much time left, ha] and I didn’t want to lose my street parking; I opted to pound the pavement and get in some exercise. Seattle is a walking ass city – I haven’t walked this much since middle school. I kid you not.

A Walking Ass City. And A Hilly Ass City: by the end of the summer, my legs are going to look phenomenal.

I carried 25 Ibs of equipment [exaggerating; more like 10, it felt like 25 though] slung across my right shoulder, as I trudged up a steep incline.

My forehead started to sweat.

Fuck.

I should’ve just driven.

Finally arriving, I popped a squat at the first open spot – it was roughly 5:45-ish. The library closed at 8 – I only had a few hours to do my thing.

I immediately notice the soft sounds of EDM playing nearby– I give the perpetrator a perfunctory side-eye. Like bro, turn that -ish down! This is a library, not a rave.

Ugh. Teenagers.

I open my Scrivener and it pops up where I left off –  Liz’s intro chapter.  I read it back and roll my eyes.

Nope.

I want to scrap  2/3 of it and maybe I will; I’m not sure I like the way I’m writing this character, but I wanted to fill in more – see if I could make it work.

I got away with maybe 300 words that day. Slightly disappointed.

Second Attempt:

The plan was to revisit the library. Cool. I can do that.

That day came and when it did,  I was over it – by “over it” I mean, my body was telling me no, but my mind, my mind was telling me yeeeeeeeeeeeees!

Ha. 

I had a headache and my legs were sore from all of the walking that I had been doing. I decided, instead, to kick back in my big ‘ol queen size bed and give it a go.

I got about 230-ish words out before I called it good.

My tummy was rumbling and I needed to eat – I spent a moment [or two] chatting, cooking and drinking it up with my roommate.

For the first time since I moved here, I slept like a baby.

I’m going to go ahead and blame it on the alcohol.

Mood Music: Swish, Swish - Katy Perry

New Places + New Faces And The Trouble With Fitting It All In.

 

Java Joe's Coffeehouse

It’s a slow-moving process, but I am making a little bit of headway on the book. The next few months are set to be challenging: I’m moving across the country to Seattle, WA - a terrifying adventure my stomach flips for.

I have never lived outside the comforts of the Midwest.

I keep telling myself:  put your “big girl” britches on and git-r-done!  I’m 29: I don’t want to look back and think, “Damn, I should’ve left when I had the chance!”

No regrets.  If I don’t get out now, I’m never going to go.

Thinking about it is quite overwhelming - I just want to skip to the part where I’m there and this is done.

The move comes after surviving in Minneapolis for nearly 5 years. I never wanted to secure the “Minny Apple” as a permanent place of residency; I came here in 2012 to attend Grad school and leave, once that plan went to shit, I ended up staying for a few additional years.

It's been a good ride, but now is the time to jump out of the car.  Ha. 

Why Seattle?

It is congruent with my [corporate] career goals.  Seattle is also a progressive city [so I hear] lots of artists, people and things to discover. Yes, the weather is less than desirable, but I'll take it over 10 inches of snow and below zero temps. 

I need a change of pace, new scenery, a breath of fresh air and I figured I’m not exactly cut out for the East coast.

I’ve been planning this move since January; I made the decision to go visit earlier this year. As we approach May, the reality of what I’m attempting to do is closing in.

The idea of being far away from my family and the community I’ve built, is daunting - I now have to start over, again.

A lot of folks [most folks] don’t like to do that.

I'm not...necessarily a part of said group: I’ve learned of strategic methods and have access to resources that will allow me to successfully do this.

My hope is that I finally find my tribe: a group of individuals who are like-minded and get it. That I can finally shape my career in the way that I want. That I can write and be among others who feel the same. 

I’m in a different space and crave an entirely new life experience.

I am going alone: no husband / no children / no boyfriend – completely beholden to no one.

Inside Java Joe's: In the 24 years I lived in Iowa, I have never heard of "Valley Savings Bank."  Must be something from back in the day. 

Let’s not get it twisted: as exciting as this is, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m fearful beyond belief. 

Considering the ridiculous cost of living means I will have to rewind back to into roommate situation.

Seattle is an expensive city and [unfortunately] my current job does not afford me the luxury of living alone anymore.  It’s probably a good thing –  I will be more at ease with someone else around.

I’ve come to realize how obnoxious that process can be [particularly from half cross country]. There are a ton of online platforms that I am utilizing to help me find my “perfect” match – and by perfect, I mean not crazy. It’s reminiscent of online dating [for which I am a pro, ha] except, I'm not going to get to meet the candidate in-person before I commit. 

Ugh.

There was a brief time when I thought I was moving to Phoenix last summer – that didn’t happen –  but in preparation for what potential did exist, I assembled a list of things that needed to be completed prior to the move.

Hey, hey, hey…what do you know? I still have that list!

Obviously, this must be edited to fit the perimeters of this year’s move, but that won’t be a problem.

One of the things I will do to prevent the above, is sign up for a 30-day yoga pass class; I’m hoping this will help keep me [somewhat] calm, cool and collected.

Shavashna.

At $25, it’s not a bad deal, my friend!

So, what does all of this have to do with writing?

In between not falling apart + falling into booze induce comas + yoga + packing et. al  – I’ve got to etch in time to:

• Write
• Blog
• Read a book [or 2]

This certainly isn’t a "How To" – I’m not mastermind genius [yet!] – but more of a this-is-what-I-do [and really, I have zero to no excuse – it’s not like I’m married with kids].

In all of the articles I read, the general consensus?  You have to make time to write.

I get it, life happens – I’ve got a ton of shit to do – but as writer Lizzie Davey says in, “6 Ways You Can Make Time For Writing In Your Busy Schedule,” you have to make writing a priority. Period.

Writer’s Digest guest blogger, Ashley Ream recommends a more structured approach; she uses spreadsheets to track her day-to-day activities, blocking out regular time to write. 

“When I start a new book, I sit down with my calendar and block off all the days when something out of my control will make it impossible for me to write that day. Sometimes I have to travel, sometimes it’s a big project I know will drain me, sometimes I have a family commitment. Whatever the case, I don’t kid myself. I know when I’m not going to be able to get my word count in. I also take two days a week off to have a life and do all the other things that aren’t the novel but are part of the writing business, like writing this article. So now I know how many days I really have in the next several months to work.”

This is the route  I will be taking – it’s definitely more do-able for me since I work from home:  I’ll commit to penciling in time during lunch.

Marie Farleo, multitasking aficionado, uses a couple of interesting strategies, including the online site, 750words.com, to reach her writing goals.  The online platform is used for mind dumping early morning thoughts, to make more "head space" for writing.

A fantastic listicle [truth be told, listicles annoy me, but this article contain useful content] written by Author, Jerry Jenkins, is a bit more straight forward – his advice?

"Don’t buy into your fan club. Stop listening to relatives and friends who praise your writing, unless they’re in the business and have a clue. They’re being nice, but they aren’t helping you get better and get published. Develop a thick skin and learn to take criticism from people on the inside."

Until I reach completion of my “mission,” I’ll try not to worry myself into an onset early heart attack.

Mood Music: Wings - Little Mix